Waking Up

For the past several weeks, I have felt like I've been in the middle of a very bad dream.  As if, perhaps, none of this had never happened.  I didn't flunk out--surely, not me.  I would go through each day as if I were still in nursing school--reading textbooks, completing modules, and probably studying more than some of my cohort who are still in the program are studying.  It was a little twisted.  A few differences: I am able to exercise more, pray more, see family and friends more, and (yes) watch TV more.  These things all went to the wayside during those 6 months that I was vigorously dedicated to nursing school.  It is one of the many reasons why I am still so irritated by the fact that I am out over two points--I put forth a lot of effort.  And, because, technically, I did quite well overall.  But, apparently, 83% doesn't cut it.  Infuriated by the fact that I now have a D on my transcript, despite (technically) passing the class.  You might refer to all of this as the "denial" stage of grief.  However, since I have been vacillating between anger, depression, and acceptance during this entire time, I wouldn't say I was stuck in the stage of denial.  I just didn't want to give up on this dream.

But, this week, I moved on.  I woke up.  The bad dream is in the past.  I am no longer re-living the failure every day.  While I am still "studying" the material I would have been studying this term, I no longer complete modules or try to keep up with the class.  I don't have to--why put myself through that?  I just want to keep my brain focused on nursing and patho and pharm.  I will likely re-enter the program in September and I want to be ready.  I want to be sharp.  I would much rather next year be exactly what it is: review.  So, I am waking up and facing tomorrow.  Not dwelling on yesterday.

And it was about dang time!

Psalm 34:18 ~ "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

James 1:2-4 ~ "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.   Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."