It's over. A bitter end to a bittersweet journey. I've known for awhile but it wasn't certain until I had my exit interview today. What a humiliating experience. It's bad enough that I flunked out of nursing school, but to make it all formal..... Ugh.
Where did it go wrong? I understood concepts. I did well on projects. I did well in skills lab and clinicals. But, I didn't get 75% or more on all the tests (a requirement), so I'm done. I am still in shock. We all laughed at our instructors, who told us that Winter and Spring terms were for "weeding out" the weak from the strong. And here I am--a weed. And I am not the only one. 11 other classmates are also out of the program. And all are just like me--one or two questions away from passing. The test I failed, 18 students total failed (and 5 of us failed out because of it). But, the teachers refused to take into consideration the concerns of students on several poorly written questions--to either toss them or allow them as "freebies". The reason only 5 of us are out (for that test anyway--others were out from Patho and Pharm as well) is in our program you need a cumulative test score of 75%; the test brought our scores under that (mine is at 73%--2 questions), but the others had strong enough midterm grades to keep them above it. Unfortunately, I made a huge bubbling error on the midterm that cost me 4 questions; but teachers have to go with what is on the scantron, not what is circled on the test. So, I "failed". I got an A in Pharmacology and a B in Patho. And technically, I got a B in Nursing (because of my papers and projects), but since I didn't meet the test requirement, they disregard the other grades, so it will go down as a D on my transcript. I have NEVER had a D in my life. Maybe on a few quizzes or tests, but NEVER a final grade. It literally makes me sick to my stomach to think of it. I am pissed that all of the time and energy I put into those other projects don't count for anything. It is so frustrating. I am still in shock that this is happening at all.
This is a really difficult time for me. I've spent the past 4 years pursuing this dream, believing it was God's plan for me. So many times along the way, it felt as though it was over, but a miracle would happen and I would be on my way again. This time, that isn't going to happen. And now I've lost a sense of myself; of a person I was becoming. I was becoming a nurse. And now I feel so lost. I feel as though I am watching it happen to someone else. I've never been a failure, academically. So, now I am losing that part of myself who was an excellent (even extraordinary) student. There was a time when I could get As without studying. So long as I paid attention in class and did assigned readings, I was golden. I never needed "study" time. Until A&P (and really, only for certain parts of A&P). And then nursing school. It was incredibly frustrating to study hard and barely get As, or even get Bs here and there. And now this.....
There is going to be a serious period of adjustment. I can't look anyone in the face, not even my family. When I think of how much time away from them I sacrificed for this--all for nothing? And let's not talk about the amount of money I wasted. Again, for nothing. I am so humiliated. Even though there are others who failed out along with me, I am not comforted. I would not wish this upon them either. But, they have been a huge support to me. As well as others in my cohort who are continuing on. They are all amazing people and I am going to miss them. I truly don't know where I go from here.
And just like my usual stages of grief, acceptance is the first thing I've done. I've accepted that this is over. But, beyond that, I don't know. I have the option to re-enter next year, where I left off. And graduate in 2015. But, I don't know if I want to--or if I should. What if I fail again? Maybe I a just not cut out to be a nurse......and I am tired of wasting time and money trying to prove that I am. And all that time away from my family. Ugh. It just makes me so angry. And disappointed. I feel awful that I've failed--my family, my friends, myself. And, I am also sad. Sad that I won't be joining my cohort in Spring. Sad I won't be pinned in 2014. Sad that I might have misinterpreted God's plan for me.
I need a break. A physical break, a mental break, an emotional break, even a spiritual break. This is just how I cope with things--pulling away and inward. It's the introvert in me. But, I am so grateful for my family and friends, being there to get me through this. Thank you for your love, prayers, and encouragement throughout this journey. I will need them over the next few months of adjustment. For me and our family. For now, I cannot let go of the fact that our Sovereign God is merciful and kind. And He has a plan for me. It is time I truly lean into Him and find it.....
1 comment:
Love you, friend. <3
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