The thing about depression is it rears its ugly head at the most inopportune times.
The thing about depression is it doesn't care if you have a family to tend to, work responsibilities and other obligations in your life.
The thing about depression is that it sucks your motivation, your will, your drive.
The thing about depression is it robs you of control over your emotions.
The thing about depression is it insists on pushing its way ahead of everything else and demands you make it your first priority.
The thing about depression is you can't make it go away.
The thing about depression is you don't want to admit it's taking over.
The thing about depression is you cannot fight it alone.
Early in the summer, I felt its tickle. I ignored it and shrugged it off as exhaustion from the reality that is night shift work or the effects of the pandemic. I ignored the increased sleeplessness, the lack of an appetite, the complete lack of motivation and chalked those things up to stress. But, as summer wore on, I began to feel the familiar feeling of dread and doom. I knew I was in trouble. It became increasingly difficult to "fake it" and I spent less and less time out of the house, even calling in to work sick a couple times.
Over the past month or so, I've felt like I've died a thousand deaths. Every part of me hurts--physically, mentally and emotionally. I can usually tell when it's looming. But, I ignored it because I didn't want to admit it was happening. Admitting it meant I'd have to deal with it. And, for reals, "Ain't no one got time for that". Especially not in the midst of a pandemic, kids going back to school with distance learning and a new house project about to go underway.
But, finally, I had to give in. Because it has started to affect my life. It has been a struggle to get out of bed most days. I'm not enjoying the things I love--photography, sunset walks with the dog, hiking, reading, board games. I'm tired all the time. And, my work has been affected. Ugh, it's been a true struggle to pull myself together and show up to my shifts. But, I was doing it. And, I was barely scraping by.
But, the thing about depression is you don't care enough to ask for help. I canceled a couple doctor appointments I've waited months for -- and I am so far past due for so many check ups. It isn't even funny anymore. It's terrifying. And, has only increased my anxiety. I feel bad for my family because they get the brunt of it.
I haven't shared this with many people. I'm not even sure if I'm going to post this. I wrote it because it is apparent now and I can't hide it anymore, so, why not? I wrote it because I need help and I need to be held accountable to seek help and my poor husband can't always be the one to bear that burden, as he has for 20+ years now. I wrote it because writing has always been the best outlet for me when I have a difficult time conveying my thoughts or emotions.
The thing about depression is it sucks and I'm tired of dealing with it, since the ripe age of 12.
I'm finally, at the pleas of my husband, seeing my doctor to address these issues. I need to find some sense of normal again. Or anything resembling it. If that means medication, then so be it. I just know life cannot be sustained in this mindset.
The thing about depression is it doesn't care about your life or you. But, it will consume you. Perhaps until there's nothing left.
The thing about depression is you can't make it go away.
The thing about depression is you don't want to admit it's taking over.
The thing about depression is you cannot fight it alone.
Early in the summer, I felt its tickle. I ignored it and shrugged it off as exhaustion from the reality that is night shift work or the effects of the pandemic. I ignored the increased sleeplessness, the lack of an appetite, the complete lack of motivation and chalked those things up to stress. But, as summer wore on, I began to feel the familiar feeling of dread and doom. I knew I was in trouble. It became increasingly difficult to "fake it" and I spent less and less time out of the house, even calling in to work sick a couple times.
Over the past month or so, I've felt like I've died a thousand deaths. Every part of me hurts--physically, mentally and emotionally. I can usually tell when it's looming. But, I ignored it because I didn't want to admit it was happening. Admitting it meant I'd have to deal with it. And, for reals, "Ain't no one got time for that". Especially not in the midst of a pandemic, kids going back to school with distance learning and a new house project about to go underway.
But, finally, I had to give in. Because it has started to affect my life. It has been a struggle to get out of bed most days. I'm not enjoying the things I love--photography, sunset walks with the dog, hiking, reading, board games. I'm tired all the time. And, my work has been affected. Ugh, it's been a true struggle to pull myself together and show up to my shifts. But, I was doing it. And, I was barely scraping by.
But, the thing about depression is you don't care enough to ask for help. I canceled a couple doctor appointments I've waited months for -- and I am so far past due for so many check ups. It isn't even funny anymore. It's terrifying. And, has only increased my anxiety. I feel bad for my family because they get the brunt of it.
I haven't shared this with many people. I'm not even sure if I'm going to post this. I wrote it because it is apparent now and I can't hide it anymore, so, why not? I wrote it because I need help and I need to be held accountable to seek help and my poor husband can't always be the one to bear that burden, as he has for 20+ years now. I wrote it because writing has always been the best outlet for me when I have a difficult time conveying my thoughts or emotions.
The thing about depression is it sucks and I'm tired of dealing with it, since the ripe age of 12.
I'm finally, at the pleas of my husband, seeing my doctor to address these issues. I need to find some sense of normal again. Or anything resembling it. If that means medication, then so be it. I just know life cannot be sustained in this mindset.
The thing about depression is it doesn't care about your life or you. But, it will consume you. Perhaps until there's nothing left.
That's the thing about depression...
SMF
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