School has kept me busy. And motherhood, wifehood and ministry. Leaves very little time to write and I can feel it. I'm still convinced that if I wrote more, I would sleep better. Unfortunately, I don't have much of an opportunity to test that theory until May 20th. 25 more days. Oh, how I'm looking forward to that!
I'm surviving this second semester. Barely. There was a week or two there in mid-semester when I was ready to throw in the towel. I was (and basically still am) getting very little sleep, was feeling overwhelmed and felt completely incompetent in practice. I'm fairly certain I had an anxiety attack right before spring break. But, I pushed through and am making my way to the "finish" line of year one. I'm holding on with a middle A in one class and two high Bs in the others. Not exactly what I was hoping for, but I'm starting to give myself grace when it comes to grades. I've been an "A" student my whole life. I can count the number of Bs (5) and Cs (3) on both hands since Kindergarten. I did get that one D in Trigonometry, but since I retook the class and got an A, I don't count that anymore. :) There's a chance one of the Bs can turn into an A, since our final is worth a big chunk of our grade, but I'm not placing any bets on it. I keep telling myself I'll be happy with two Bs and an A. At least I will be able to say I finished year one of nursing school, right?
It has definitely not been an easy semester like first semester. I mean, last semester was tough, but I had less clinical days (which translates to less clinical prep) and a lot of the material was review, so I wasn't feeling the stress of it as much. I rarely studied and still got 3 As and a B. This semester is a completely different story. A lot of new material, a lot more work and a lot more clinical hours. It's been pure chaos. And, unfortunately, for this INFJ, it's taken its toll.
Which brings me to my reason for writing (other than the fact that I'm procrastinating on finishing a paper and studying for an exam I have tomorrow). I've had a whole other kind of struggle in this program that is completely unrelated to the program itself. I mean, the course load is insane, the exams are difficult, clinical days are chaotic and care plans are the worst. But, my BIGGEST challenge of nursing school has nothing to do with any of that--and everything to do with my extreme introversion and overall social anxiety. All week long I'm "on". All day. With people. Talking to them. Interacting. Mostly with strangers. This has not been easy for lil' ol' introverted me. And, even more challenging is finding that necessary time to recharge. To have quiet moments to re-energize for the next week. On top of lectures, labs, clinical prep, clinical days, assignments and studying, I also have to make time for housework, grocery shopping, cooking, Bible study and being a full time mom and a wife. Needless to say, my downtime is non-existent. And that has really taken its toll on my psyche. Fridays while the kids are at school and Peter is at work is usually my time to do something for me and try to re-energize for our busy weekends and the upcoming week. Six precious hours. Which, a lot of the time, has to be sacrificed for the occasional SIM lab or project to work on. I've noticed that when I don't have that Friday, the week following is usually more chaotic and I feel the pressure a lot more.
No wonder it often feels like I'm falling apart.
I knew going into this that my social anxiety was going to be an issue. For whatever reason, it didn't seem to be as much of an issue in Portland as it is here. Maybe it's because I felt more connected to my cohort there, and interacting with them didn't feel like such an effort, like it often does here. Clinicals are always difficult because I am so un-assertive and am completely awkward trying to talk to strangers all day (and sound as if I know what I'm talking about). Scoff if you must, but it really has been a struggle. I need to figure out a way to re-energize more next semester, so I don't always feel so jumbled and anxious. Perhaps my days will go more smoothly. Perhaps I'll even do better in school. We shall wait and see.
(For more about my personality, give THIS a read--especially the strengths and weaknesses part. It's lengthy, but very accurate!)
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