A Story Unfinished

This book. This book right here.

Since I've been reading the Mooneys' blogs for years (pretty much since Ezra died), I sort of knew what I was getting myself into by reading this book, but the way I'm left feeling after finishing it is just....wow.  I have a feeling I will brood over this post for several days, as I'm still processing these feelings. I've actually begun reading it again because I want to "break it apart". It's that captivating.

Matthew Mooney is an incredible storyteller. And he's so.....authentic. I know that's a "buzz" word, but I can't think of another word that encapsulates how he comes off in his writing.  It feels as though we are sitting in his living room and he's telling the story to us right there. As previously mentioned, I've been reading his blogs for years. And the writing there is much the same. He's so delicate, yet so blunt, in describing the process of grief (and how different that grief looks when it's a baby). So many things are familiar to me, but different. I couldn't help that almost every time I read a sentence about sweet Eliot's life, I read the name "Ezra" instead. I relate to this story that much.

You don't need to have lost a child to appreciate this book.  It's more of a memoir, so if you like memoirs, it's a good one.  He hits the nail on the head at the onset in that he has broken the book down into "before", "during", and "after" Eliot's time on earth.  Because that is exactly how you see time after you've lost a child.  Your life is now 3 different lives.  My husband and I often refer to our own past saying, "Oh, that was "before Ezra" or "That was while Ezra was on earth".  And now, how we refer to life "after Ezra" as our "new normal".  Although, after 5-and-a-half years and lots of changes in that time, it's not really a new normal anymore--it's just "life after Ezra".  And we are perpetually in that stage while we're here--the "after Ezra" stage.

Here are just a few quotes from the book that stood out to me (and, I've really restrained myself here because half the book is underlined...):

"I do not want the daily pain of missing him. I do not want to consult photographs to remember the contours of his face." (Page 31)

"We're not strong. If you happen to think we're handling this well (and there are many moments I would argue that point) and see any strength in us at all, please know it is from our Father and not due to anything having to do with either of us." (Page 60)

"Attempting to set our minds on hope, we were, however, constantly faced with decisions that required thinking through worst-case scenarios." (Page 66)

"The deafening silence was a daily reminder...... Each silent moment was screaming that life had changed." (Page 123)

"Scrambled in sadness, I masked the reason for keeping up with the blog in a hero's cape, telling myself that I would put my grief on exhibit in hopes that it might help someone else with theirs. But I knew better, the truth nagging all along. It was me who needed the process of distilling all the rage and confusion into a tangible sentence." (Page 131)

"For God was there for me, despite me. His love did not wane when my faith weakened. He was sufficient, a truth displayed most brilliantly in the blinding light of my own insufficiency." (Page 137)

"In those quiet days of grief and mourning after Eliot, I felt as though God, ever patient with my misperceptions of Him, was calling me in voiceless manner to a pursuit far greater than mere happiness and onto a path that was anything but safe." (Page 164)

"And his hated absence is the only possible way we could be going where we are headed. I cannot script him in at this point, knowing that if he were here we would not be stepping in our current direction. And I hate it. And I wish he were here more than anything--I always will.  But I see beauty in the whole." (Page 181)

It's those last two quotes that made me stop in my tracks.  Because that's exactly what happened.  That's how I started on this journey toward nursing, which has been filled with a lot of the same pain and fear and joy as our time with Ezra.

When it comes down to it, what I liked best about this book is that it comes from a place of faith.  Before, during, and after the worst kind of pain, and the best kind of joy. As the story unfolds, the faith evolves. And, it is a story unfinished because our faith is constantly being molded by our experiences.  And our stories aren't finished until our faith is complete and we are reunited with Christ for eternity.

Well done, Mr. Mooney.  Well done!

(Here is Eliot's video, which was emailed to me a week after Ezra's passing, which is when I started "following" the Mooneys' story.)