Anger

You might recall a blog I wrote a few years ago after my son died, about the stages of grief.  I explained how I typically grieve "backwards", as it pertains to Kubler-Ross's stages of grief.  I accepted his death right away.  I mean, that was pretty easy, seeing as I wasn't feeding him every three hours, changing the diapers,  hearing him cry (which he rarely did anyway), or taking him to one doctor or another 2 or 3 times a week.  It was a strange, new "normal" for our family.  Then, I was depressed.  Maybe not "actively' depressed, the way I can get when I enter a bout of hormonal-induced depression.  This depression lingers as a constant ache in my chest from missing him.  I think I will always be sad.  But, that first year, I was living in a state of functional depression.  I didn't like my new reality.  I had a lot of blame (mostly on myself) and unanswered questions.  I struggled spiritually, but at the same time, had never been closer to God than in that year.  The second year, and still now (halfway through year 4), I existed in the "bargaining" stage.  I call it the "what if" stage.  I spent a lot of time wondering what he'd look like and how he'd be.  Which added to the sadness.

And now, the anger (usually stage 2) has set in.  I've been expecting it.  There were times when I was actively angry about the situation, but I didn't exist in it.  This time, its just here.  This anger.  This bitterness.  Affecting my whole being, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  The last time I went through grief was after a good friend committed suicide in 1998.  I wasn't a Christian then, so my anger came fast and furious.  This time its been slow coming and I find that every day, it takes on a new form.  I have anger with God.  Anger at the doctors who couldn't diagnose him/treat him.  Anger at my body, for not being able to properly care for him in utero, allowing him to be born with so many abnormalities.  Anger at myself for allowing them to take him off life support.  Anger at friends who keep having more healthy babies.  Anger at other 4-and-a-half year olds for being able to run and play and celebrate their birthdays every year.  Mostly, just anger about having to deal with this at all, which diverts back to anger with God for allowing it.  I find it interesting that this stage hit me right as Lent was beginning (it actually started not long after Christmas, but has really intensified the past few weeks).  It is making this time of reflection difficult, because I don't want to talk to God right now.  I want to give Him the cold shoulder.  I want Him to know that I'm mad about the fact that He took my son away from me.  It's been very difficult for me to pray.  But, I do.  Because I have to--if I don't, this anger might become all-consuming and it could shake or break my faith.  Because, during this entire season of grief, my faith has stayed in tact.  I have not turned from God, I haven't even been tempted to.  But, this anger could easily infect my faith, cause it to falter, and then, I am lost.  And I would truly be left with nothing.  I need it.  I need Jesus.  I need His Word, even though its been difficult for me to read that as well.  Oh, really, Jeremiah?  His plans are to give me hope and a future?  Wow, Crohns disease and a dead son.  That sounds hopeful.  Oh, and Paul, what was that about all things working out for the good of those who love Him?  Really?  Just how does a one-year-old's death satisfy that promise?  So, you see, I have gotten outright sarcastic with God at times.  I say this as a heartfelt confession.  My anger has caused me to sin, even with the Word's warning against that.  I know I shouldn't get sarcastic with God.  I have always used sarcasm as a defense mechanism, but never with God.  That is how this anger has affected me.  I don't want to deal with it.  So, I have to pray all the more.  And read the Word.  And worship with song.  But, I end up in angry tears regardless, and then back to the sarcasm.  Its an icky circle at this time.

I guess I am just writing to be held accountable.  I shared my frustrations with my wonderful girlfriends in home community and felt so much better afterward, knowing they would pray for me.  That was a week ago, and I've already noticed a difference in that short time.  I am still angry, but not keeping it to myself anymore has allowed me to feel less burdened by it.  I've also shared it with my amazing husband, because this anger has trickled into our daily lives at home.  I am more short tempered with him and the kids.  I have less enthusiasm for our family Bible and prayer time.  On nights when he's at work, I rush through it because I don't want the kids to sense my indifference.  I truly do not like being in this frame of mind.  And I am scared that it is going to induce a flare up, as I've been having some irritable bowel stuff recently, and I really don't want a flare up.  So, I suppose, I am hoping by making it "public" by writing about my struggle here, I can feel less burdened and then, the anger will start to dissipate.  And I am purposefully looking for the things that improve my attitude and taking the time to do them each day.  The smell of fresh rain on the pine trees.  A long hike.  The new flowers blooming.  Old photographs.  Certain songs.  Being around these things improves my mood and the anger is muffled.  Not gone, but truncated.  This allows me to be able to tolerate myself.  Because, lately, because of this anger, even I don't want to be around me.

So, I turn to Scripture for encouragement.  And am grateful to God that I can find peace in it and in Him, even though I don't deserve it.

Proverbs 29:11 ~ "A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control."


James 1: 19-20 "My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires."