Grief

My son, my precious baby, has been gone for 6 months. I realize that only his earthly body is dead and that his soul remains, transferred into his new (and perfect) Heavenly body. I know that he is in a much better place, and has been spared the hardships that he would have had to face in life, as a child with severe developmental issues. I am thankful for God's mercy; for His faithfulness. He brought Ezra home to spare not only him, but us as well. How challenging it was to watch Ezra suffer through each day. I always tell people that I did most of my grieving while he was alive. Grief for his pain, grief for the challenges he faced, grief for the baby I was expecting and never got, and grief that I will never have the experience of carrying a child in my womb ever again. I still feel like I am grieving for that, in addition to losing Ezra himself.

I know we all grieve differently, and I am quite unusual in my grieving process. There are five stages of grieving. They are (and usually appear in this order):
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
I sort of go backwards. It was something I immediately accepted. And then, I became quite depressed. At this point I am at the bargaining stage--I call it the "what if" stage. In this stage, I can feel the anger. I usually skip denial in my grieving. I am a very realistic person--often to the point where I've been defined as pessimistic. I know the reality of this. I've lost people close to me in the past and denial was never a part of my grieving process. One that Kubler-Ross don't have in her process: BLAME. I think its included in the bargaining phase, but still...I think its a huge part of the process, no matter what/who is lost. Blame is easy for me, especially as his mother. And, it can easily shift to anger. But, now, I am working my way to "my" stage of "remembrance". That is truly the final stage of grief in my opinion. However, Peter grieves in a different way (the more conventional way). This can cause friction in many marriages. I read a statistic that a marriage is more likely to end in a divorce after a devastating illness or death of a child. However, Peter and I are growing closer and are more aware than ever how we compliment each other so completely. What one lacks, the other makes up for--puzzle pieces fitting together. Its trite, but accurate. Our puzzle is far from complete and I doubt it ever will be since we will always be missing one significant piece. Our Ezra.