Mapping My Life

At our church's service this weekend, they wrapped up the series "Repulsed"--confronting the sins of the Church. This series has been so amazing and inspirational for me. I haven't missed a week because I know that every time, something will convict me to seek out God to change my attitude, behavior, and actions. And today was no different. I was compelled today to map out the "Life altering" moments of my life. We (Humans) like to believe that we are in control of our lives. We presume that if we set certain goals and certain timelines, we will achieve them. Granted, we have control over of behaviors and actions, and in some sense we "control" how we live our lives. But, ARE OUR GOALS GOD'S GOALS? That is the question Cal asked that really stuck out to me. You see, I am a planner. I get very uncomfortable when certain things aren't planned. I like to know what direction I am headed and each hurdle that I need to jump. I like knowing when and where. Its why I budget and organize. Its why I plan what we're doing for Christmas in July. But, as Cal pointed out, when you look at the defining moments of your life, how many of them were actually in your control? It was actually during the service that I used my notes to write out the defining moments of my life so far. I'll list them and then you can probably see for yourself what was in my control and what wasn't.

1. 12-years-old: Diagnosed with ulcerative colitis. For those of you that know me, you know how this has affected my life in every way.

2. 14-years-old: Abusive boyfriend. This brief period in time changed the way I felt about myself and others. While I now hold my esteem in Christ, and my value is in Him, my image (the way I feel about how I look) has not changed since this boy told me how ugly I am. I do not like the way I look. I never will.But, I know that Christ looks at what is inside and that now that I feel good about myself--about who I am in Him, it doesn't matter what I look like.

3. 15 -years-old: Suicide of my friend. Ugh. I don't think I need to say anything here. I still think about her every day.

4. 16-year-old: Almost drowned in Pacific Ocean. Wouldn't have happened if I hadn't been under the influence and acting like an idiot.

5. 17-18 years-old: Dated a Mormon. I know this seems weird and like it wouldn't affect me all that much. But it was a very profound period of my life. He changed the way I looked at religion (and not in a good way, mind you). I "swore off" religion at that point.

6. 20 years old: Another friends suicide. This one hit even harder than the first one. He was a great friend. And a few weeks before he did it, we "had words" and that was the last time we spoke.

7. 22 years old: Finding polyps in my colon. This was THE DEFINING moment. Its what made me question life and death and souls and eternity. I don't think I would have become a Christian had this not happened.

8. 22 years old: Meeting Peter. Not coincidentally, I met Peter a month after I had the colon scope. God's timing is always SO PERFECT! I guess you can understand why this was a defining moment.

9. 23 years old: Accepting Christ as my Savior. HALLELUJAH!

10. 24 years old: Jeremiah's birth. Jeremiah was NOT planned. Peter and I were STUNNED to find out we were expecting. But, it changed everything.

11. 28 years old: Moved to AZ. This was a HUGE step of faith. We wanted to buy a house--houses in CA were 600K at least. Houses in AZ were 200K (at the time...GRRR). We moved here and Peter had no job and we rented a place we had never seen in a place neither of us had ever been to and we had no family or friends to speak of (oh, accept the Hollewarths, but they lived a good 40 minutes away). Talk about relying on God!

12. Ezra's life/death. I am still in the midst of how this is affecting my life.


I look over this lengthy (sorry) list and wonder where the control was. I look and realize when I tried to take control, God yanked it away--sometimes devastatingly so. And some things were totally out of my control, and he got me through them, even when I wasn't consciously leaning on Him. He is SO good. We need to give Him a chance! Our timing is VERY RARELY His timing.

Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."