Rejection

Even though I knew it was coming; Even though I kept telling myself over and over again that Oregon is extremely competitive when it comes to applying to nursing programs, and I knew I didn't have great odds of getting accepted the first time I applied, it still hurt to get the rejection letter.  Even though I knew my essay wasn't good enough to hold its own amidst such incredible competition and that even with a perfect score on it, my points weren't enough to compete with the other applicants.  Even though I knew all of this, I still bawled uncontrollably for hours, wailing in the disappointment.  I cried out to God, and felt ready to abandon this impossible dream He gave me because I feel like I've been chasing it forever and that it only gets further and further away.  And, of course, questioning if I am even able to do it at all.  Everyone I started this journey with 3 years ago in Bio 181 is already in or has been accepted into a program.  All of them.  Yet, here I am, still waiting.  Feeling dejected and inefficient.

Out of the 211 chosen to sit for the essay, 80 were offered spots in the program.  I ranked 139.  That's right: 139.  Straight As, 4 letters of recommendation, a near-perfect score on the TEAS, and I ranked 139 out of 211.  I wasn't even in the top half!  Imagine how this makes me feel.  Try to imagine how you would feel if you worked your tail off for 3 years, missed time with your family, neglected your housework, spent a few thousand dollars, had 4 flare ups of Crohns disease, and PRAYED constantly to work toward a dream that you never asked for, just to have it crushed with a single piece of paper.

Right now, I am struggling with pride.  I don't want to make the announcement on Facebook, because I feel ashamed about how this has turned out.  I remember posting a few weeks ago about how poorly I did on the essay.  People thought I was being over-critical of myself or exaggerating.  A few friends even posted things like, "You got it!" or "Can't wait to hear the good news!".  All along, I knew it wouldn't be--I just knew that the news was going to be bad.  I dreaded getting back on once it was official and announcing the bad news.  It's like rubbing salt in the wound....  So, I've decided not to make an official announcement.  But, I needed to sort these feelings out and what better place to do that than on my blog (which not many people read)?  I thought it might make me feel better, but to be honest, it doesn't.  At this point, I am just convinced that this is not the path I am suppose to be on.  Somehow, my wires got crossed when listening to God.  Perhaps my judgment was clouded by grief of losing my son.  I don't know.  All I know is that I was happy being a stay-at-home-Mom.  I was happy at the possibility of getting a Masters in Special Eduction and working with kids with autism or other other special needs. That's the goal I originally set out for at the ripe age of 17.  I hate hospitals.  I have OCD.  I hate germs and sickness.  When Ezra came along, those preferences were challenged in order for me to take the best care of him.  And after he died, the feeling of still wanting to care for others like him remained and I thought it was God showing me another path.  Perhaps I was wrong....

I am not ready to think about the next step.  I have said that I will just apply again next year, but I still don't know that I will be good enough for Oregon's standards.  If I do apply, I will be applying to 4 different programs, two of them at EXPENSIVE private schools that don't comply with the OCNE standards, but still have national accreditation to earn a BSN.  My chances of getting into one of them are better, but then, I have to worry about coming up with 50K for 2 years tuition....  I really just want the community college/OHSU bridge program, which would be the least expensive and quickest way.  (And this particular program rates very high in the national ranks for nursing schools compared to the others.)  Not to mention that the two private schools are a bit of a drive away for me, so the money in gas will need to be taken into consideration.  And honestly, going back into debt for school is not something I am too keen on doing.  So, at this point, I am not sure this is something I should still pursue.  The hardest part about that decision is that it will mean that I will have nothing to show for all the time and energy and money I've put into the past 3 years.  And, that makes me feel like a complete failure.

But, despite what I am feeling, I need to respond with praise, knowing that God has a plan.  Knowing that His timing is not always my timing (look at how long it took to get out of Arizona).  Knowing what He has in store is better than what I have in store.  He is good.  So, while I feel rejected and disappointed with this outcome, I must keep my eyes fixed on Jesus.  I must praise God for where I am right now.  He has me here for a reason.  I was not offered a spot in that program for a reason.  I may not like it and it may not make sense to me, but I must trust the Lord.  He will not reject me or forsake me.  He guides my next steps.

I will keep you posted.  For now, I am looking forward to summer fun with my family and forgetting about this ordeal all together.  And still meditating on this verse:

Psalm 112:7 ~ "He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD."