While I still feel that my classmates and I were treated unfairly as it pertains to the unfair questions on our midterm and final, I now have to take responsibility for my part in "failing" winter term (I still use quotations because, frankly, I think it is ridiculous that I can get an 84% in the class and "fail" it). On the midterm, which I did not study for except for a few hours the day before the test, I made a mechanical error that resulted in me getting 4 answers wrong that I had circled correctly on the exam itself, but bubbled incorrectly on the scantron. In addition, I had gotten less than 2 hours of sleep the night before the exam (and really didn't sleep well all term). The serious lack of sleep lead to recall difficulties, and I got a few questions wrong on the midterm that I knew the answers to--to this day, I have no idea why I put those answers. On the final, which I studied my butt off for, I made similar mistakes. No bubbling errors this time, but incorrectly answered 3 questions I absolutely knew the answers to--one of them was what I had done my pathophysiology project on--I knew that answer! While there were at least 3 "questionable" questions, and the teachers were not fair in how they handled our situation, had I just gotten 1 or 2 of those "easy" ones right, I would have passed. So, that is how I ended up here. A lack of sleep. A Crohns flare-up. Husband having decreased hours (and decreased income) at work. Behavior issues with my son. All of this messing with my ability to retain and recall information for my tests. Yes, I managed to get an A in Pharmacology and a high B in Patho, but I trump that to good guesses and spending more time with that information than with nursing theory information.
But, after the term was over, and I spent more time (because I had more time) praying and in the Word and with faithful friends who could give me an objective viewpoint, I realized something. I realized that I had, in the span of 6 months, turned into an idolator. My idol wasn't another god, a person, money, or fame. My idolatry took the form of something most see as important and essential--education. Nursing school had become my idol. It had become the thing my life centered around. The thing I sacrificed for. The thing I spent all my time with. Yes, the nature of this major requires hard work, dedication, and sacrifice. But, as difficult as nursing school is; as time consuming as it has to be to pass, I should not have allowed it to become the most important thing in my life. Jesus should have been. But, aside from praying at meal times and with my kids before bed, and our family doing our routine daily Bible reading, I spent no time with Him. I didn't read the Word for myself. I rarely prayed. I mean, I prayed every day, but it wasn't to spend time with Him. It was to desperately ask for help in my circumstances--for sleep, to do well on tests, for a job for my husband, for healing from the flare-up. I stopped going to my weekly Bible Study, because I needed that extra time to study (or to try to catch up on sleep). I had about 400 pages a week to read for school, so (aside from our family reading, which I wasn't really "there" for) I didn't have time to read my Bible. I even stopped going to church and home community. I lived and breathed nursing school. And that is what led to my demise there.
Do I think God is "punishing" me for my idolatry, for trying to achieve in school? NO. Do I think I became overwhelmed in trying to do everything and to keep everyone in my life happy while at the same time neglecting to surrender it all to God, so I dropped the ball and everything went to hell? YES. That is exactly what happened. I put nursing school ahead of God. And I reaped the consequences of that. Now I know better. I won't let nursing school be the most important thing this time. I repented of my idolatry and returned to my God. Slowly, my heart is being healed of the hurts and pains my idolatry caused me. I am "getting over" nursing school, like an old boyfriend. I plan to return, yes. But, I also plan to put it third in my life, after God and my family. And, I expect to succeed next time around.
Jonah 2:8 ~ “Those who cling to worthless idols turn away from God’s love for them."
Psalm 106:36 ~ "They worshiped their idols, which became a snare to them."
Isaiah 42:17 ~ "But those who trust in idols, who say to images, ‘You are our gods,’ will be turned back in utter shame."
Isaiah 44: 9 ~ "All who make idols are nothing, and the things they treasure are worthless."
Isaiah 45:16 ~ "All the makers of idols will be put to shame and disgraced; they will go off into disgrace together."
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