Love is Watching Someone Die

Today is the 3rd anniversary of my son's death.  If I'm being honest, I must say that as time has gone on, it hasn't gotten easier.  In fact, it's more difficult now than it's ever been.  Not a day passes without thinking of him.  I miss him so much.  Truthfully, I miss him more now than I did in that first year because so much time has passed since I've seen him, since I've held him.  In my mind, he hasn't changed, but if he were here, he would be four.  He wouldn't look like the Ezra I remember.  I don't know what he would be like, as he had many physical challenges, but I would like to think that he'd look like a 4-year-old and not like the permanent picture of a 12-pound, 1-year-old that is etched in my memory.  And also, I wonder what he looks like in his heavenly body.  So much wondering. 

I don't want to wonder anymore.  I don't want to cry anymore.  I don't want to miss him anymore.  But, the reality is that I will do so until I die.  There is no escaping it.  It doesn't keep me from living my life or anything, as I know grief can do in some people, but it does keep me from being able to remember the joy he brought me.  Because when I remember the good times with him, it stings, and the pain of his death resurfaces all over again.  It is an ugly circle. 

I will always grieve the physical death of my son, no matter how much time passes; but at the same time, I should celebrate his spiritual rebirth into a new body in Heaven, in the full glory of Jesus.  I can't forget that part.  Because that is the happy part.  That is the part that makes watching him die worth it.  

And so, I address the title of this blog.  It comes from the lyrics of a song by Death Cab For Cutie.  The song is actually called, "What Sarah Said" and it is beautiful and rings so much truth.  It encapsulates a lot of the emotions I felt during those last days of my son's life.  And, I remember holding him as his body was dying and his soul was leaving this earth, accompanied by the Holy Spirit (whose presence I felt more strongly in that moment than at any other moment in my life), and thinking about this song.    

What Sarah Said by Death Cab For Cutie

And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time

As I stared at my shoes in the ICU that reeked of piss and 409

And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself that I'd already taken too much today

As each descending peak on the LCD took you a little farther away from me

Away from me

Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines in a place where we only say goodbye

It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds

But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all

And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground as the TV entertained itself

'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room

Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news

And then the nurse comes round and everyone will lift their heads

But I'm thinking of what Sarah said: "Love is watching someone die"

So who's going to watch you die?

Happy Eternity Day, Ezra James.  I love you.  I miss you.