Discouraged

My heart is SO heavy right now. I don't even know where to start. I know that I need to first confess my lack of faith and my poor attitude lately. There is no excuse (well, there is, but it all boils down to lack of self-control). I am just absolutely physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually SPENT.

I have often been defined as "pessimistic" and "negative". I would never deny it. But, this characteristic has always derived from personal experience. Especially as far as my health is concerned. There really isn't much to be optimistic about when a doctor tells you that you either need to remove your colon in lieu of a colostomy bag (at 32) OR get "treated" with a drug that will probably give you cancer someday. When one thing after another goes wrong with your body, on a continual basis, it is very discouraging and would leave anyone with a pessimistic attitude.

And, in my experience, the pessimism hasn't always been limited to health. I've had it in relationships, school, even my faith. Until I met my husband, I was CERTAIN that I would never find a man who would love me for me, who would be able to deal with my issues, my doubts, my fears. Who would love me, even though I didn't love myself. And, as I got older, I found that I related less and less to my peers, and didn't have very many friends. I felt lonely, sad, and was sure that I deserved to feel so. At times, I have been completely overwhelmed by feelings of unworthiness of the Father's love, of His grace, of His mercy. I have felt that my prayers have not been heard, and that the Spirit has left me completely. And, in school, I have always been an overachiever; always had the absolute highest expectations. If it wasn't an A, it might as well have been an F. This expectation was only put on myself by me, never my parents and never in a competitive mindset to my sisters or peers. And this is where the pessimism is rearing its ugly head this week.

Making the decision to go back to school almost 10 years after graduating from college was very intimidating. And to go into a field I had absolutely no scholastic experience with (medicine/nursing) made me feel very uneasy. But, I felt sure that this "calling" was from God. The time spent as Ezra's mother gave me this overwhelming sense that my compassion for children would be better used in an environment where their families would be helped too (not as a teacher, or counselor, or social worker, which had been my goal after getting my BA in Psychology). I briefly thought about physical or occupational therapy, but 6 days into Ezra's PICU stay, 5 days before he past away, I felt for sure the God was leading me to nursing.

Last semester, with little effort on my part (reading the chapters and attending lecture/lab), I managed to get As in both classes. I thought, by taking only one class this semester and putting all my effort into it, I would do well in the class. I was sorely mistaken. I have been investing at least 5 hours a day into this Bio 201 class. 30-35 hours a week. Pouring over the info, taking practice tests online, reading and re-reading the material, going to extra labs. I felt like I had a grasp of the information. And then today, the teacher gave us a "mock" practical in lab and I choked. I got 7/22 correct. And he explained that these were "easier" questions and that the actual practical would require more thought. I am not very encouraged by these words. I am not confident that this is an attainable goal at this point, and frankly I am a little irked that this desire was even placed on my heart and now I have to give it up (after spending over $1000 on tuition and books, not to mention the time taken from my family and household duties). I feel like a complete failure.

And that is what discouragement is right? One gets discouraged because things seem to be out of their grasp. The fear of failing, fear of inadequacy. In addition to that, I feel inferior because everyone around me seems to grasp the information so easily and I can't even comprehend the simplest concepts. I don't think I am cut out for this. I have never struggled this much in school in my entire life. So, why did I think God wanted me to pursue this? Why would He set me up for failure? Its taking everything in me to press on, continue studying, and pray that I can pass. I am praying for perseverance, praying for some optimism. At this point, I am at a loss as to where they will come from.