Discouraged

Once again, discouragement consumes me. I cannot find rest. Not in prayer, not in worship, not in the Word. I cling to the only One who can get me through this. But, I feel my spirit fail. Drained from me along with the nourishment that keeps my body running. My health is continually used as a stumbling block. Year after year, for weeks, sometimes months, I am left stranded at home. Not enough strength even to walk and get the mail. Food is disgusting, because I know what it turns into thanks to Crohn's. My taste buds suffer. My state of mind wavers. I cannot function. And that leaves me feeling like a burden. I am not useful at all. My husband picks up all the slack in addition to his 40 hour work week. I cannot play with my kids. I cannot cook or clean. I barely have the energy to get out of bed. Why this? Can't my faith be tested in some other way? Haven't I proven by now that I cannot be shaken--no matter how many flare-ups I get, or how long they last? I still claim the glory and the power of the Almighty God! I still shout out to Him in praise! Even Job, though his faith persevered, questions his temptations. Am I wrong in doing so? Maybe this rant is a result of the malnourishment and messed up hormone levels. When I am so weak, discernment is difficult for me. Each breath is an effort. And sometimes I wonder--God, what is your plan for me? I cannot serve You like this. How am I an asset to Your Kingdom?

I am still waiting for the answer...