32

Another year of my life over. And what a year it was. If you had asked me one year ago if I would be where I am today, well, I would not have believed you. God prepared my heart for the things I've had to face. Seems I deal with some sort of loss for every one of my 32 years. Some I don't remember clearly, some have stayed painfully with me. But, my faith has increased. My confidence in myself was shattered and now, broken, I have confidence in Christ alone. That isn't to say that in the previous 8 years of my walk with Him that I wasn't faithful or didn't have confidence in Him; only that I didn't truly die to myself. I held onto control--just a loose strand of it, leftover from my previous life. Its been a tug of war, that ended when I finally let go--when I gave my son over to Him to be delivered. I tried too hard for too long, and God just waited patiently in the passenger seat, ready to take over when I was willing to give in to Him. Jesus take the wheel indeed. Funny how you find strength in weakness--I love how God does that. In my brokenness I am complete. Praise You Lord!

And now, its the day I am supposed to celebrate my birth. I have no plans. And really, no desire to celebrate. Not that I care about getting "old"--which is defined differently as time goes on. Not that I don't like a party or cake or presents. I just get stuck in this reflective mode and feel blah about myself and my life. I didn't accomplish what I had wanted to accomplish by 30. No Masters degree, no mission trips (in fact, Tijuana aside, I've never left the country), and I have not brought even one person to Christ. Granted, I am raising two children, teaching them to be followers of Christ. Showing them how it is to live to serve Him, glorify Him. I hope someday they will choose Him, and that I live to see it. But, I've not seen anyone else I know personally come to the Lord. I am grieved by this. My days are numbered. Some days, when my illness overwhelms me, I feel death is just around the corner. And I cry. Not because I am afraid to die; not because my life will be cut short. But, because I am going to go to Heaven wondering if I will ever see certain people ever again...friends, family members. Will I see them in eternity? Will they, in my earthly absence, embrace Him and accept Him? I pray that someday, by hearing what God's done in my life, just one of those people would accept Him. That has been my wish every birthday for the past several years. It would then truly be a Happy Birthday.


Excerpt from "Broken" by Lifehouse
"I'm hanging on another day, just to see what You will throw my way. And I'm hanging on to the words You say. You said that I will be okay."