Nope, Still Not Any Easier

Seven years. That's how long it's been since I've seen my son. Seven long (but short) years. Ezra's life (and his death) have affected me more than anything else I've experienced. More than my illness, more than my depression. More than my marriage. Perhaps even more than my coming to faith in Jesus. All those things changed me and the course of my life. But, Ezra. Oh, that baby. He's single-handedly changed it all in one go. But, I wouldn't hesitate to trade every single minute of the last 7 years just to have him here. With me. This song, by Christian artist Plumb, perfectly describes how it feels to lose a child (she wrote it for a friend who had lost a child).

The part where she asks God to help her breathe. That part just resonates with me in such a profound way. Losing a child really does feel as if you're suffocating. It's like you're in this bubble, watching the world go on around you, but you're stuck in the moment, in those last moments, when your child was still alive. You don't know how to exist in the new world without him. It does feel like a new world, even when everything looks the same. Even all these years later; even though we've "moved on" and I no longer feel as though I'm suffocating. This world is not the same world I used to live in. Because Ezra isn't in it. And our family will never "fully" recover from this loss, because we'll always know he's missing. We will always be incomplete, no matter how "together" we seem.

People always want to know. They want to know how we survived it. How did we manage to (mostly) pull ourselves together and carry on? Well, here's another Plumb song that sums it up perfectly.

The only way we survived was by the grace of God. Because He picks up the broken-hearted and He heals. There will always be an empty space. There will always be questions. But, that still, small voice. Above the noise. Among the doubts. He encourages. He redeems. I still have to ask for that strength. The years have not made it any easier. But, He does. Especially because I know, because of Him, because of Jesus, I will be reunited with my precious angel someday.

Happy Eternity, Ezra James. You are missed.