Now What?

It's been almost 2 months since I "flunked" out of the nursing program.  A lot of people have inquired about what I am going to do next.  Well, God's honest truth, I don't know.  I have the option of re-entering for a "review" in the fall, and then re-taking the "failed" class in Winter 2014 and then continuing on to be the class of 2015.  But, I don't know if that is the right thing to do.  I don't know if I want to be a part of a program that lets 7 people walk away over 1 or 2 points (especially when we had evidenced-based material to back up our answers).  I also don't know if I am even cut out to be a nurse.  Don't get me wrong.  I loved every second of clinicals and lab and even lectures.  I grew more confident in my role as a student nurse as time went on.  But, it is still all very foreign to me.  And I am also wondering if I want to put myself and my family through everything again and then not be hired, because (let's be honest), if I go up against all these twenty-somethings, no one is going to hire a 38-year-old over one of them.... So, I don't know.....

For now, I have comfortably slipped back into my stay-at-home mom role.  I have been able to help more at the kids' school and get stuff done around the house.  I've spent more time with my husband.  I've been reading for FUN.  I now have time to meal plan better and exercise (hoping to lose these 15 pounds I gained since Jan 1st).  I've been watching a sweet little guy 2 days a week while his mom is at clinicals.  I do my best to keep my mind off the fact that I am not in school.  It's so painful to think about.  Yes, because I failed and I have never failed at school in my life.  But also because I am now starting to look at it like a huge step of disobedience to God.  Just like moving to AZ.  Yes, in both circumstances, God provided tremendously; but in the end, both decisions were made out of selfish ambition and not because it was the will of God (even though, in both cases, we thought it was His will).  Because, if it was His will, I wouldn't be in this predicament.  And AZ wouldn't have turned into the most dark, lonely, painful, worst part of my existence.  When I think about these two huge missteps, I can't help but wonder what would be if we had never left San Luis Obispo 8 years ago.  Peter would probably be a supervisor with the county, making good money.  I'd probably be a teacher, or a counselor, or working with children in some capacity.  The kids (and would there be more than just the two?) would be as they are, but happier being closer to cousins and family and lifelong friends.  Alas, dwelling on what ifs is foolish and pointless.  And I am still not entirely certain if nursing is His will or not.  Still seeking that out and trying to move on from this huge disappointment.

All I can do is seek out God for guidance.  For assurance.  For some glimpse of His will; of what direction our family should take.  Praying a lot.  And trying to find comfort in His Word.  For now, that is all I can do.