Just Another Day

Mother's Day.  Otherwise known as Baby Dedication Day (and the reminder that I will never have another baby to dedicate, no matter how much I might want one).  Otherwise known as Another Day to Remind Me That Ezra is Gone (which is really every day anyway).  I know I shouldn't have so much self pity.  I know there are women out there who dread it for other reasons I cannot relate to (the loss of a mother, infertility, or having a hard relationship with their mothers).  I have my mother, and she is an awesome mother and we have a great relationship.  I never had issues with fertility.  I have two healthy, amazing kids who can't wait to give me their homemade cards and gifts and their bouquet of flowers picked from our backyard.  I have an incredible, loving husband who appreciates me and loves me, despite my faults and short comings.  I am blessed.

But, none of that makes Mother's Day any easier for me.  I look at pictures taken with my kids over the past 4 years and see this empty spot where my Ezra should be.  It's just another day to remind me how much I miss him.  Just like every day of every month of every year since he's been gone.  Just another day without him.  It's been 3 years, 8 months, and 19 days since we said goodbye to him.  And for each of those 1358 days, I have wondered what life would be like if he were here.  So, today is just another day of wondering.  And tears.  And that constant ache of missing him.  And, I got another reminder this morning in my Sunday school class.  I teach 4-5 year olds and today there "just so happened" to be a little boy named Ezra.  He is also 4 (found out his birthday is in October, which was when our Ezra was originally due).  He even had brown hair and big brown eyes.  It was all I could do not to break down and cry right there in front of my class.  **SIGH**

I got cards, and gifts, and hugs and kisses from my other children today.  But, I am still longing for something else.  The hug and kiss from a little boy, who would be turning 5 exactly 3 months from today.  For now, all I have is the memory of that one Mother's Day with all 3 of my children.  Ezra couldn't hug or kiss me then, but, just his presence made me feel complete.  It's a feeling I'll never have again, at least not here on earth.  And that is the very reason that makes every Mother's Day a little bittersweet for me.  Just like every other day I live on earth without my precious youngest son.

Mother's Day 2008

Mother's Day 2012