Confession

Wow, what a whirlwind week, spiritually speaking. Last Sunday was the lowpoint. Thus my confession. I really should have written it earlier, but life is crazy busy with kids, school, house, etc. I did manage to write that poem last week, which should give you some indication of where my state of mind was at on Sunday.

Basically, my confession is not being obedient to God. And then blaming Him when things go haywire. It seems like one thing after another has gone wrong over the past couple weeks--leaky roof, car battery died, allergic reaction, not being able to keep up in school, not sleeping, colon acting funny, and still more. And I found myself on my knees in prayer asking God to either change things or kill me. My body, heart, and soul could not take it. And then, something else went wrong (which wasn't major or anything, but was like another link in the chain that threw me over the edge) and I broke apart. I cried and screamed (silently, as the kids were sleeping) and announced out loud, "I am not going to pray anymore!" Arguing with the air that God doesn't listen to me; He answers everyone else's prayers, but not mine. He keeps making bad things happen to me and my family and I deserve it. I started feeling self-pity and worthlessness. I didn't pray at all on Monday (except with the kids in the morning and at night, and at meals, because they are used to that and I had to). I was ready to give up entirely on prayer.

And then Tuesday morning, at my weekly Moms group, we had a guest speaker talk to us about, you guessed it, prayer. Not a coincidence of course. God brought her there and had her speak on the exact thing I was struggling with. I went home and repented and have totally revamped my prayer life in the past 3 days. Praise Him!

I need to stop focusing on what I don't have in life; I need to be aware that God is Sovereign and He knows how this all turns out. What I might say or suggest to Him in prayer does not change how things will be. But, it changes how it gets there. I need to listen to God; be slow to speak and slow to become angry. I need to be obedient and stop looking at earthly gain. I need to concentrate on eternity. Now, I keep my mind set to that, and prayer has once again become a source of relationship with the Heavenly Father. A way to thank Him and praise Him. And to still set the needs of family, friends, church, etc before Him so that His will can be done here on earth as it is in Heaven.

And, not to be outdone, things are starting to settle down and "go right" in my life. Man, His faithfulness astounds me. He upholds His promises even in our most undeserving moments.