Out of Commission

Total dependence...not something I am comfortable with. Growing up, I was a very independent person. I learned to take care of myself and my needs from a young age. Both my parents worked full time and we were often in the care of relatives (mainly my maternal grandmother, with whom I am very close). And when my older sister was about 12 (I was 7, my younger sister was 5), we were allowed to stay home by ourselves (seeing as said grandmother lived down the street). Because of the trust our parents put in us we took our responsibilities seriously and followed through. It helped us to become independent and reliable women. By the time I was a teenager, I had a slew of responsibilities, including maintaining a strict diet and medicine schedule to control the ulcerative colitis (I was diagnosed at 12). I wanted help from no one, parents included. My independence put a strain on my relationships with my family. It also led to me making some pretty bad choices, as far as friends, drugs, and alcohol were concerned. Yet, I still yearned for that independence--to take care of everything myself. That was the most difficult thing for me to give up when I accepted Christ. Around that same time, I met Peter. I pushed him away for so long because I felt myself depending on him and I didn't want to do that...I had been burned by too many guys and was over it. But, once I really began building a relationship with the Lord, I discovered that dependence comes quite naturally to me. He has seen me through what has seemed like a never-ending battle since the day I accepted Him. Really--I have been through the ringer these past 8 1/2 years. Tumult and chaos. I have found that when I've tried to take control of a situation, He yanks it away. And sometimes the outcome was devastating. Independence can also hinder our relationship with God. Yet, He remains faithful. He gives me a second chance (well more like 1,000,000th chance). And I know I can trust Him with my very life, which He died to save. But, somehow, I still hate being a burden. You see, I am typing one-handed right now because my left arm has tendonitis. Its true what they say--you take things for granted until you don't have them anymore. (You'd think I'd know this by now, but...) Life has been HARD the past few days. I can't really shower effectively. I can't drive. I can't clean (gasp!!). Cooking is difficult. Bathing my daughter is difficult (praise God my son showers now). Everything is more difficult--even reading and eating! Its annoying. And I still hate asking people for help. Peter had to call in sick today and I hate that. Because now its not just me being a burden, but also Peter since now the juvenile hall is short staffed. Its annoying. The old me would never have allowed it, but praise God that we can be dependent--on Him and on each other!!!

So, yes, between the arm and the colitis flare-up, I am out of commission. And have to humble myself to a place of dependence. But, I serve a faithful God who will bless me because of my trust in Him. Thank You, Father--You're awesome!